Of gifts wanted and gifts given

Up until a few days ago, gifts were confined to birthdays and weddings and I had a limited range of gifting capabilities. I held back my own imagination when it came to gifts because the amount of effort each gift warranted far exceeded the time I could budget.

But times are a-changing and so has the situation changed. I now ask people what they would like for their gift. I also find it easy picking out items from a catalog that people have shared. It all worked fine until my better half told me in no uncertain terms what she'd like as a birthday gift for this year. She wanted to read my writings and despite my attempts at trivialising these rhapsodies, she convinced me to write a piece for her eyes only. So here I am pouring my heart out in my attempt to put to words things that I've felt and all the things I wish I'd not left unsaid.

First off, happy birthday to you, mon amour. I wish you all the very best and all the happiness.

You are half a world away and I've not seen you for a hundred days but when I close my eyes I can remember your smile as if you were standing right in front of me. I can feel a tingle run up my spine when I remember how it feels to kiss you every morning. But what I love to remember is the way your eyes sparkle every morning after you wake up, as if they can behold a clever joke the universe is playing. Its sparkle lights up my day. Its dark here and I wish you were here.

You are still half a world away and I've not seen you for a hundred days but I can feel your presence in every half-heard song on the radio or the steady patter of the raindrops as I spend this Sunday. Even the playful sun peeking out of the clouds remind me of how you peep out from behind the curtain of your hair to flash a playful smile that can brighten any room no matter how lit it was before. Its dark here and I wish you were here.

You are still half a world away and I've not seen you for a hundred days but I never feel alone because I feel your presence, just out of reach but never too far away. In the world of light and dark, there must be a time and place where our shadows still talk to each other and perhaps dance in the moonlight while we sleep. Its dark here and I wish you were here.

Lord Byron put into immortal words that je ne sais quoi which you emulate in an eternal grace,
"She walks in beauty, like the night, Of cloudless climes and starry skies; 
And all that’s best of dark and bright, Meet in her aspect and her eyes; Thus mellowed to that tender light, Which heaven to gaudy day denies." 


As today draws to a close, soon it will be another day that has passed me by without you next to me, my eyes fill my vision with an ethereal form of the woman who stole my heart away on a cloudless night while we stood under the stars. That she still holds my heart hostage is a source of unadulterated joy to me for she has given unto me her own heart in exchange and I wish to care for it my whole life for it holds the nectar that gives life to even the dullest of moments and places. It is still dark and I wish you were here.

I learned to live a life expecting the mundane in the humdrum of a corporate rat race but in a moment of good fortune you materialised out of nowhere and you shone bright. A bright light that constantly drew me towards it. To me, it represents an orgastic future that I will forever run towards. It represents what I where I wish to be and if I have to run further each day I shall gladly do so. It is still dark and I wish you were here.

Now I may no longer look like the crazy-eyed youth you met in a waistcoat, but I wish and hope that the tempered craziness that I still carry in my heart will continue to dance with your craziness so that one day we may light up this world with love. With you I have learned to dance and sing, to paint and to write, to talk and to listen, and so much more, all over again. And the child inside me is happy to have met another child who loves to do these things with me. 

I wish I can keep you smiling always.

Always yours
Aniruddh

Fated to pretend

The title is at odds with what I am writing here, but in life, it is rarely is as it seems to be. And this thought has been keeping me up for a lot of nights now.

Friends come and go. Its a part of life. Family stays, but the people in the family change. This cycle- this unending cycle where we are all merely an act. The transient figures who play act and mime- in tune to an eerie music that each one of us hears in our own distinct and unique way.

I have lived in a dozen different towns and cities. Okay- may be not a full dozen but close enough to define my life, for all of  six years now, into different stages based on where I stayed and my friend circles. What happens is simple- we meet people- they leave an impression- maybe we leave some on them as well- and then we finish that chapter and we move on. This is life and thus it will always be.

My existential question however is more rhetorical than anything else- of the many many friends who left marks on our lives- do we meet them ever again?
I have had my share of friends, good friends and chaddi-buddies. We all had a gala time, and then I moved on to another town. Despite all the promises we made to keep in touch- it was never the same again but we never ended up saying our goodbyes. We just lost touch.

My logical mind tells me- it is probable that we will cross paths in the future in the least expected place and in the unlikeliest of times and by then all of us will be so different- we will not share the same camaraderie ever again. Does this all mean that our briefest of moments together, a blip in our entire life, will always be just that- a memory that we can never go back to? Will it just be a photo album that is meant to be reminisced once every decade when we revisit the times gone by and how we are all growing older and realising our mortality every day?

This futile exercise of reminiscence and remembrance deserves an ode to life as we know it so that we may cherish it and not manage to lose too many moments that may never ever again come in the future. Its like seeing a firefly dance in a night and knowing that I won't see that firefly ever again.

These are just questions that overshadows my need to love and cherish- because without an end- what the purpose of doing so? One may argue- the best course is to live in the moment- but I would ask- to what end? To create memories when it will only be a one sided reminiscence once a decade without any conscious understanding if there will be another such incident ever again. 

Brownian Motion

Life is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Maybe it is - maybe it isn't. But to think about life in those terms is one of the easiest ways to keep alive hopes of a better tomorrow. I am not complaining about my today- I have a good life, a bit of money, some friends, a very understanding set of parents and a good mentor at work.

But what I miss terribly is the easy camarederie I could share with college buddies. The easy way we would pick off from where left off the last time. That easy friendship that we knew would no longer be as it was after we graduated. I knew, but I never really felt it.

Now, sitting in one of the world's famous cities, working in some of the best offices with some of the best minds, having a lot of things, I always wanted, I miss those easy days when a dinner would become an impromptu sleepover and the days were so much brighter and the evenings filled with laughter.

Now, its calm music, a mad rush of meetings, a delicate cup of wine, a pretty plateful of roast. But the seats are empty. And I miss having the tumultuous roar of friends deciding which cheap beer goes well with the greasy chicken and which movie to watch that night.

Life moves on. So do we. And so should I. But once in a while- the empty chairs takes me back to the times when things were different. It's as if we came together after a seemingly random set of events only to go apart again to perhaps cross each others paths momentarily again somewhere in the future.

At long last

Another year comes to a close and I sit here sleepless in the middle of the night on a bed in an unfamiliar house in one of the world's most popular city in a foreign land. But I would be wrong if I were to leave out the adventures I've had in this city.

London has treated me well over the past several months. I've met people from all over the world, dined with some of the most interesting people, worked alongside some brilliant people and have watched some lively festivities in town, but what I have not done is find a good friend to hang out on those dreary days when nothing is going my way.

However, there is a silver lining on the horizon- I go to my friend's wedding in three weeks and I can't wait to get into my car's driving seat again. Perhaps what I really miss is the intimacy of another lady- her warmth between the cool cotton sheets and her conversations over dinner.

But that is no excuse for me moping around on the internet and feeling sorry for myself for absolutely nothing that I can change. But I can't shake this funny feeling that I feel a void somewhere deep inside me that I never thought possible. I know theoretically- we go through a certain preordained cycle of emotions after a breakup- Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression and Acceptance- but no one ever told me how to identify where I am! Its funny how I can diagnose someone else, but not myself!

What makes you beautiful

I should put up a disclaimer at the beginning, before I put all my thoughts on paper, I got piss drunk last night. Sorry heavily inebriated. And then I read an article about beauty. And I may be in love. That is a lot of disclaimers, isn't it?

They say, 'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.' And how apt it is! We all have a different appreciation for different objects, different values and different ideas, but we all still find something to describe as beautiful.

We remember the instances when beauty buffeted our psyche and overwhelmed it- that sunset at that beach, that winter morning with a beautiful azure sky, that rainy evening when you were on the road, that first kiss, that lady on the sidewalk who flipped her hair when the wind was strong, that crinkle of her mouth when she laughed, that wink of your best friend when he tries to make you laugh, that sound of laughter in a crowded train station, that car that just drove by, that photo of stars, and the list will go on. And on.

When we use 'beautiful' to describe a person, it is with an intense and personal note. 'Beautiful' is a hallowed word, that is used to describe someone who is so much more than just a pretty or handsome face. It is so much more than an hourglass figure and a v-shaped torso with well defined musculature. Because it is about that what cannot be described- a person's quintessential being, what we call a soul.

We don't hear people described as 'beautiful' much these days. When we do, it is either on the telly or at the movies or in books, because 'beautiful' is a word that has connotations of 'love', platonic or romantic, and love and beauty have made minstrels sing countless songs, poets write endless poems, writers write feverishly, painters paint wonderful art. These two words, 'love' and 'beautiful' have kept almost everyone of us awake at night at least once and some of us every night. And that is what makes our life so much more than a simple existence.

So what makes you beautiful?

Of the angels and our demons

Do I believe in a God? No. That is because I do not want to follow a religion. I dislike the intricacies that come attached with religions. The dogma. The rules. The boundaries.

But, there has to be a but, I would like to believe in a cosmic balance. Call it what you will- Karma, Fatum, destiny or any other of a million words. I reject the notion of a single fixed ending though- everyone cannot have their futures written out before hand- that would go completely against the idea of life, of freedom, of choice.

I believe in the idea that there is a multitude of possibilities for a future that can be pursued by each and every single one of us and its our choices that allows for an infinite number of nexus in our futures at every turn. Around each corner.

Its how we meet someone from our past. Or future. In our present. Life should be a choice- chaos of choices that miraculously fit into a pattern. A web called time. A network we live through.

In such a realm, we only have control over our own choices and the most we can do is to build bridges towards where we expect to go, or where we expect a nexus to be. We can only hope for other's choices to bring them to the nexus where we are headed towards. The key being, the key people will also come there eventually.

Some nexus are important for they are the highs and lows in our lives, others are dreams because the nexus are so so far and so complicated that sailing across an open sea without a compass would be easier than swimming through time to our dreams. And then these nexus do happen, elation settles in.
People involved in these situations become angels. When such nexus don't occur, the whole experience gives rise to demons- a figment of our own imaginations we create to pin all the blame on.

But the wheel of time goes on spinning its web and we are inevitably drawn towards some nexus more than the others. All we can do is walk the paths we create with our own choices and not regret about not choosing the alternate path. In the end, its not about how many nexus we passed through, but about how we conducted ourselves when we did find our dreams coming true. Did we become angels or did we create demons?

Loved and lost have you?

I have heard a lot of people express feelings akin to having loved and lost in their lives; how they've had a star crossed romantic episode only to end up falling apart. I have read a lot about it too. I would beg to disagree- first to the concept of losing and then some more about this oxy-moronic phrase.

We all stumble through life looking for our dreams- who doesn't have a dream? Even the most hapless and  aimless of people have dreams which can rival those of the most ambitious of people. The only difference being a choice we make- act on our dreams or not act on our dreams.

In this journey, we inevitably meet people who we admire and find incredibly attractive and fun. This small window in time when we found such counterparts is itself a reward, with indelible moments shared and memorable experiences had. Yes, some of us have a knack of extending this to last their entire lives, but it is mathematical and logically  impossible for everyone to be able to do so. If that is the case, why shouldn't you be thankful to have had those treasure trove of memories to last your entire life? This isn't a loss, its just life, the flip side of a coin, if it were a pie we could have half each, but a man or a woman is no pie- you have them completely or not at all. Even if you now no longer are together, you had them for sometime, didn't you?

When you have loved, truly loved, don't you feel like the king of the world? Don't you feel like you are levitating six inches above the ground? Don't you feel happy? If not, then you aren't in love- you are mimicking love; you love the idea of being in love.

If you can tether yourself to the happier times, why would you ever say that you've lost? For isn't happiness what we all long for, at the end? Would you buy a Ferrari to cry about? And even if you then had to return it because you couldn't afford the payments, you still drove the Ferrari for a day or two, and isn't that much better than someone who could not even dare to dream about the Ferrari but had a Toyota?

Of small things

From the moment I wake up, till the time I shut my eyes and drift off in the evening, a myriad of things occur- some of which we are completely oblivious to and others which we observe, feel, experience and sometimes even start or contribute to.

Sometimes a thought takes root and feeds into a frenzy, sometimes a black mood descends, sometimes it is a happy bubbly self that you just can't control. And then there are the odd moments when you don't know what it is that you are feeling. You are elated and at the same moment so terribly sad.

Its a tribute to our inner demon that takes shape and rears its head when we are in the throes of such bipolar emotions, that we accomplish anything at all. Its a wonder that Murphy doesn't look at us then, for if he did, he would find it a fertile bed to wreak havoc. Instead a Karmic balance strives to shelter us at our lowest and expose us to Murphy at our highest.

That being said, we all look back at these very moments and take a ride through winding roads of what-could-have-beens and then descends a pall of gloom. Sometimes, we shake ourselves out of our reverie, but more often than not, we desperately need a bulwark of support who will lend us a shoulder or break our fall.

Naught comes to me, for the forsaken are forever doomed, into an eternity of darkness, that drips coldness in an ever narrowing street away from the farthest light, a peculiar bleakness creeping into the very soul which once was the sanctum sanctorum  of the thoughts and experiences of my life- a deep recess which none had breached save for the present. Even the darkest of nights are like day to me and the days are unbelievably bright that burns right through, forcing every bit of energy in maintaining a facade of normalcy when all that keeps me alive is a roiling, constantly undulating, furiously turbulent and destructive force of a misplaced anger, a sense of urgency towards envy leading me towards a dreadnaught of negativity which breeds hatred as its heraldry, flies jealousy at its flagpole and spreads out an insulting carpet of desolation to walk upon.

Attention deficit

I must confess this is probably very cold and unfeeling and a tad to harsh to the people in my thoughts as I write this. I am also probably judging others with a derogative bias and I have no right to do so, but this is how I feel and I am merely expressing my thoughts without acting upon my judgement save for taking a few precautions concerning my own well being.

Adam Smith proposed that the best results come when every one works in his/her interest, but it is instead when everyone works for one's own self and for the group. The second clause, '...and for the group', seems to have escaped everyone's understanding. This lack of attention to the second clause lands us into trouble so many many times! What is more contemptible is that this is very often just based on sincere humanity. We know naught about humanity, if a plea for help goes unanswered, if the simple thought about not disturbing the fellow man goes unheeded, if a simple thought about non inconveniencing a fellow human if it doesn't tax you does not occur.

Take for example the unabashed use of neon lights in headlamps and using a full beam inside the city limits where the streets are brightly lit up. Another instance would be the carelessness of an idiot who parks his vehicle in the middle of the street. The irritating individual who does not care if his smoking habits make a stink at the workplace. The caterer who will create inconvenient meal combos and sell by items. The room-mate who would forget to close the door. The friend who forgets to call at the appointed times. Or the friend who shows up as per his own suitable timings and not care for a compromise.

I know this would seem like my hang-up to a lot of people, especially when I too sometimes make a few slips. but these do create a lot of difficulties to another's life. A timely warning, a timely message may be quite a lot of help in such situations. And I'm sure you'll forget about this in a minute, after you have read upto this point.

Missed connections

So here I am feeling proud that I had finally managed to remember a meeting schedule, no mean feat for me, and I also reach one minute before the scheduled time.

Voila! People stream in. And you know them. But you know they are not in the team meetings. Finally your manager comes in and politely asks of you if you are in the right meeting.

And you tell her. She asks you to recheck your calendar. And the meeting is standing pretty. Then out of nowhere the application syncs and lo and behold, the meeting disappears. Your manager adds with a smile, 'now you have your half an hour of your life back'.

You make your exit as dignified as possible by wishing everyone a good day. Oh! Microsoft Office! You just made my friday!

Entitlement

We all have our own self worth in our own eyes. We only settle for what we believe is the right price. If we are short changed, there is an undercurrent of unrest. Sometimes though we have to make the wrong compromise so that when an better opportunity comes around, you don't miss, and thus right a wrong. This stems from an innate faith in Karma. What goes around, comes around.

But this compromise, in an elusive attempt at hope, is probably the worst thing we can do. I should know, because I am about to make one. Compromises eat into our self belief and self worth.

Compromises are what keeps the light burning you may say. I ask, at what cost?

We can't have everything at once, unlike what Lenka would like us believe. We will miss out on somethings, lose out a few times, but that is the cost of getting what we want more. You cannot look at the stars and the gentle sunrise and then expect to stay up the entire day. Nor can you hope to see the sun set from a hill top and expect to watch a movie with someone. You may think, if only I managed my time well…

But these are not examples where time management will stand you in good stead. Instead, time management may be the actual culprit who is restricting you from going after what you really want. A compromise is a good start, only if you have a plan. A compromise cannot be the end of a game.

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To a new chapter in life as I know it

You know it is a sad day when you despise your own self. When the person in the mirror is someone you don't easily recognize. When you'd rather run away somewhere, where you could live out the rest of your life in solitude and contentment, in a mockery of how people define peace.

Sadness is unbidden, uncalled for and unwanted to us all, but yet it comes, heeding not your thoughts or actions, for it is an abyss that the conspiracy of the Universe unearths at times to compensate for the pinnacles of happiness. Embrace them both. For one defines who you are and the other strives to bring in a realisation of who you can be.

When I started to write today, I did not have a clear direction of thought, instead I had a mass of roiling fear, a mush of sadness covering my rose colored glasses, with which I look at the world. Hence a lot of things that pours out over the course of the next few days may be incoherent; a bumbling and meandering tomfoolery of short pieces of my soul's outlook that is in constant conflict with the person, I am led to believe, I should be.

So here is to me, putting words to paper, or in this context to a 'web'-page, in the hopes that, I will discover a part of me that I thought I had lost somewhere in the graying back alleys, while I was chasing for the elusive and ephemeral object they called love. Cheers!

Of autoricksaws in Bangalore

Pardon my stuck-uppity-ness, but i believe the name "Bangalore" still suits this city rather than "Bengaluru", because of how American it sounds- more than the latter at least. Besides everything galores here.
Today morning, cold as it was i dressed warmly and prepared to go to my offices. Not owning a personal transport i had to invariably depend on the autorickshaws which throng this city.
And so we start negotiating.
"MG Road", I say.
"150. Its 130 by meter.", he says.
"Its only 110 by meter!"
"But I'll have to come back empty."
"Its the start of the day!"
"okay meter plus 10?"
And i say okay. We both sense that each has done this before. He is looking for a soft target and i am just looking for a fair deal. And another day starts..

Cold January

This morning, as I lay peacufully and bissfully on my bed, i had a difficult time breathing in. One moment I was happy, the next i was barely breathing.

But what can i say, this is how a cold begins. Touching water becomes a big no no..and well the blanket becomes the best friend. So here is to today with my best friend- the blanket.

Strange..stranger..strangest

Sitting here on this toilet seat...oops!..i mean..look at our own comfort levels when it comes to social interactions that broach topics or involve topics which are seen as socially uncomfortable,but are okay when it comes to family.
Hammurabi wrote an almanac of laws, the French defined ettiquette, and now maybe its time we started defining social habits.
With such mind-boggling different social standards of acceptible behavior, its a wonder cross cultural friendships and marriages occur. Maybe it is time when we should start teaching our kids acceptibility, rather than force our own judgements and rigidities down their throat.

A new year's eve...

So, today is January 1st. January 1st, 2012. Sorry, 2013. Oh! I will have to get used to this idea of twenty thirteen now. Life used to be so much simpler back in twenty twelve.

Looks that way. So we survived the long predicted end of the world. There were no meteors causing global destruction (of course there is one passing us close by) and no great flood or weather imbalance.

All in all, it was a nice year. Now come twenty twelve the only thing changing is the punctuality of the people (deteriorating) and our civility (also deteriorating) and our sense of justice (read rape cases,for those who are mediaphobic).

If it hadn't been for one intelligent king in the Roman empire in their good old days, a certain Gaias Julian Caesar, today would not have been a new year's day for us at all. But, my best wishes to you all for this oncoming new year. May you find peace and happiness. May you find joy and success.

Musings about life

When I've had a long day and, in the background, songs about love play on, the writer in me is roused to take up the pen again. Literally. I actually scribbled some notes before I sat down to write this.

A sombre mood raised a lot of thoughts and they churned around in this head until they finally found an outlet or a place to settle down somewhere comfortably. I can't find a way to introduce these tough topics I want to talk about in a mature way, so I will just dive headlong, without a second thought, before I change my mind.

"You always smile, but in your eyes, the sorrow shows". This is simply a statement that says about a lover's state of emotional turmoil, when his hopes fail, when his world comes crashing, when you can see the light in his eyes dim. It also speaks about men's obsession to maintain a strong, steady and stable  emotional front to the world, even when he is in pain. Otherwise he is ridiculed to be too emotional and womanly. This sentence also tells of untold pain that we hide from the ones we love, especially if the one who causes the pain is someone you loved. Lastly, it just shows us the depth of emotions the person will go to, to make sure that others do not find out about the hurt they have caused us.
This is one of the worst situations in life, but almost everyone of us has gone through this, at some point or the other in our lives.

Hard truths of adult life, is another such topic. You break a lot of hearts and your heart will be broken a lot of times too, in return. There is no escape, unless you are some fairytale character who finds her knight in shining armor, or his Rapunzel standing at the window. You can either let life take you on a roller coaster ride, meet thousands of people who could-have-been, and a few who were. But ultimately you need to choose one who suits the best. And this suitor's criteria will be some mix of pleasing the parents and the own self. There is no Golden ratio here, but its about how you want your life to be when your parents will no longer be around.

Another very very tough part about life is that, one day you'll leave home and then there will be no-one to protect you. You'll have friends. Some of them will be fake, some will be real. Some will be temporary and some will be long lasting. Sometimes friends will backbite and blackball you, sometimes they will be your angels and guardians. Make new friends as the old ones leave you or the good ones turn bad. Friends will become competitors professionally in the future, but you have to be very open to them socially. Because a friend is whom you'd want always in your life. Competitors they maybe on the playing field, but if he is a true friend, he will always be there for you socially.

Marriage is not easy. It comes with a big social agenda and becomes a social show off. If you want that kind of a marriage, you're just putting yourself up for a long life of double faceted emotions and feelings. If you're the one who wants a comfortable and happy life, please go marry the one you love. I once knew a guy who did the latter, and now is so happy. His parents finally understood now. It's so frustrating how parents will always think they are the right judges to their kids' happiness. The parents don't know much about their kids after they have set foot outside of the parent's homes. This one gets trickier when the parents have demands which are vacuous and self serving and plainly irrational. Even after painstaking process of selection and elimination, marriages have broken down. Who can really say what works and what doesn't? Let the individuals involved decide I say. Set down a few guidelines and directives, but let them take their decision I say. After all, this has to signify their first step into real independence in this real world out there.

Now, I'll say openly and frankly, I've been beaten, battered and broken, not just a few times, but more times than I care to keep a count of. I've had fleeting love stories to really long ones. I've had loveless love-stories and such intense ones that the few days have been enough not only to last my entire lifetime, but a few more times over. I've had ladies, my parents did not approve of because of their behaviour, because of their family history with my parents, because of their apparent age gap, but I know deep down, everyone of them could have been equally good, in different ways. Recently I met this lady, who just enlivens me to the very core. Sparks and tensions run high in her vicinity. Now that my friend is not something that happens every other day, or week, or even month. It comes once a lifetime. And when it does, the days become brighter, more colorful. The air becomes fresher and scented. Life moves at breakneck speed. But you enjoy the ride, because deep down you know, no matter what happens next, you've lived these few moments completely.

I haven't even begun to describe the plethora of feelings this encounter has triggered inside; from the intensity, the spectrum and the perfection of these feelings. The entire being humming with a pleasant vibe that manages to persuade the surroundings to do his bidding. There is always a karmic balance to this too, I believe. The way it feels to just know there is someone you can just pick up the phone and dial, at every second of the day or night. The way you feel when she wraps her arms around you and the way she makes you feel when she kisses your lips. The balance come next.

And then all this will come crashing down one day, when everything is not possible because of parental preferences which effectively makes you the diagonally opposite of exactly everything they want. It feels like being kicked out of the park altogether. But no-one said life was going to be easy, all they said was, it's going to be worth it. And although, at times it does feel as if the juice wasn't worth the squeeze, the show must go on and you'll have to move on. Although there will be hands dealt to you that are just unplayable and unwinnable, you'll have to play them as best as you can and move on. Life isn't fair. Life isn't easy. But let it show you the good parts and the bad, and you'll have to learn to take them both and enjoy and laugh during the good times, and cry hard during the bad. Life is a roller coaster. Once yo accept that, it becomes a journey that will be worth remembering at the fag end, when all you are left to do is walk the sunset boulevard, with or without the people you've cared for all your life.

Still an idiot.

I thought I had gotten past this. This thing. This stage. But then how long ago was it since I've been shown the door? If I am told I am not worth anything, I will be able to take it, because I'll prove myself then, but when I was literally shown that my feelings weren't worth a dime, it hit the core of my being. I reeled. I roiled. So I am a wreck. I am.

But that will in no way stop me from underscoring the feelings I had, I have and the ones I will keep inside me. To me the feelings have value. They are important to my psyche, if only to maintain a semblance of my own sanity in some remote corner of my mind.

Time, they say is a great healer, but time is time, it has its own pace. I am living through each slice of time in a most exaggerated parody of normalcy, and trying to put up a brave facade of stoicism. But then again, isn't that hurting me from within, so is this qualifies as masochism, then ultimately, stoicism is a form of masochism. Pardon the digression, but thinking keeps the emotional part of me buried under the action of the thought making process.

This ultimately, brings me to the simple fact that I cannot escape from - that I'm still an idiot, in spite of what my friends might say.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

My dear Lady.

"Cause the love you used to feel is still there inside,
it maybe a faded photograph but I know you care,
so don't hide.
If you're scared I'm here beside you,
if you get lost I'm here to guide you,
and I give you peace when peace is fragile.
Love is all the good in you,
love is peace when peace is fragile."

This struck a chord deep inside me. And sleep, as usual, decides to stand me up tonight, again.
So here I am writing to let my feelings out and drain me dry.

This stanza is such an accurate reflection of all the turmoil in the recent past. And it is what is keeping me going on each day. The love I used to feel, is still there inside. Over time, it will fade, but I'll still care. But I can't help but hide, so you don't torment yourself over this series of incidents, most of which are outside of your control.

I used to be there beside you when you were scared. When you floundered I'd be there beside you. You once told me, I gave you peace, even amidst all the ruckus you'd keep up with. When peace was hard to come by. When things turned crazy, I like to believe I was a cornerstone with a semblance of peace.

The love I have for you, shall remain untarnished, inspite of all your actions and choices. But it's hard to say goodbye. It's always been the most trying of times for me to say goodbye. Immortalising these words of a fragile peace, where love becomes your sanctum of peace and serenity amidst the ruckus we have come to live with daily, are a series of incidents that shall remain in my memories. They shall fade away with time, try as I might otherwise, but they will leave indelible traces of happy strains in the old sepia memory lanes, when I might look back on them.

Some songs that reverberate with your soul's predicament become entwined with the memories, whence long after the memories have faded away and hidden under the burden of new ones, a sudden catch of the tune will trigger a recollection of these sepia times as if they were just yesterdays. But with so many objects tied with the beautiful memories I possess, I don't know if I shall ever be able to bid you adieu.

Sincerely yours
A face in the crowd
Ani

Idiot.

Yes, idiot. No you didn't read it wrong. And yes, I'm calling myself an idiot. No not you, not at all. This thing called love, makes me an idiot. Every single time. So I write a letter-an affidavit of sorts.



Dear Lady.

I've been accused of seeing the world through colored glasses. I admit, with some amount of incredulity, that perhaps the allegations are true and admissible. I love thee too much. And it colors the way I perceive.

You have probably changed many an aspect of my life, from the way I talk to the way I work. But, thanks to a particular gentleman against whom I might have a few reservations, I seem to have opened my eyes to the possibility that I was being a fool, an idiot, a stupid narcissistic bum.

It was also probably entirely my fault too. I knew how this would turn out, since the very beginning, and tried to take the adequate precautions, but it simply wasn't enough to contain the onslaught of the emotional buffeting I experienced. It was simply an overwhelming sledgehammer that kept pounding inside my head and my entire psyche. It was simply unstoppable. A dam had to break somewhere. And break it did.

So after a sacrosanct 24 hours of austerities, and a few heartfelt discussions with my shadow and the very best of friends, I realize how big a fool I have been. Yes, I love you a lot. There is not an iota of doubt about it. And I shall always love you, irrespective of whether this love is requited or remains unrequited. It's love - pure and undemanding. It shall always be there waiting for you. But I, perhaps, will have moved on.

You asked me once, if I am trustworthy - yes lady. I'll always be. But, I will not stand twiddling my thumbs as you keep dishing out last chances to a particular gentleman with whom you manage to pick a fight every other day. This is not about being the first one to give up either. It's about preserving the sanity of three people. It's called self preservation. Its fruitless to wait in queue when its proven time and again that my love is not worth an iota of consideration, and that it can be swept under the carpet each time your gentleman crooks his finger every other way.

This begs me to question, whether I'm just another safe fallback option to you? Let me put it in financial terms, "Am I a call option for another call option?"

You will probably detest me, despise me, hate me, call me names, but all I can tell you, is that, I'll love you anyway. There is a song playing, that says, you always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all. you always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall. Perhaps it is true. Perhaps I'm just too naive not to see it. But can you prove it to me?

I donot know what path I'm taking. I donot know where it leads. I donot know if I shall ever see you again. I donot know what tomorrow shall bring. I donot know how this will change things, for you and me. But I do know, I'll love you the same. That you shall always hold a place in this wasted heart of mine.

Perhaps I am being too candid, too open for my own good. But I shall tell you this. I wasn't surprised by the way things turned out. It was just that the timing was impeccable - spot on, to hurt me right in my guts. And in a way I never imagined. I expected it to be a little gentler, but with the way we all behave socially, it was definitely my fault at not expecting something like this.

The past 100 days have been some of my best days - stormy and calm, in cycles, but nonetheless some of the best days. Thank you for that. And no matter what happens now, nobody can ever take that away from me. And neither from you.

Sincerely yours
Forever
Ani
#lookingforafairytale