Loved and lost have you?

I have heard a lot of people express feelings akin to having loved and lost in their lives; how they've had a star crossed romantic episode only to end up falling apart. I have read a lot about it too. I would beg to disagree- first to the concept of losing and then some more about this oxy-moronic phrase.

We all stumble through life looking for our dreams- who doesn't have a dream? Even the most hapless and  aimless of people have dreams which can rival those of the most ambitious of people. The only difference being a choice we make- act on our dreams or not act on our dreams.

In this journey, we inevitably meet people who we admire and find incredibly attractive and fun. This small window in time when we found such counterparts is itself a reward, with indelible moments shared and memorable experiences had. Yes, some of us have a knack of extending this to last their entire lives, but it is mathematical and logically  impossible for everyone to be able to do so. If that is the case, why shouldn't you be thankful to have had those treasure trove of memories to last your entire life? This isn't a loss, its just life, the flip side of a coin, if it were a pie we could have half each, but a man or a woman is no pie- you have them completely or not at all. Even if you now no longer are together, you had them for sometime, didn't you?

When you have loved, truly loved, don't you feel like the king of the world? Don't you feel like you are levitating six inches above the ground? Don't you feel happy? If not, then you aren't in love- you are mimicking love; you love the idea of being in love.

If you can tether yourself to the happier times, why would you ever say that you've lost? For isn't happiness what we all long for, at the end? Would you buy a Ferrari to cry about? And even if you then had to return it because you couldn't afford the payments, you still drove the Ferrari for a day or two, and isn't that much better than someone who could not even dare to dream about the Ferrari but had a Toyota?

Of small things

From the moment I wake up, till the time I shut my eyes and drift off in the evening, a myriad of things occur- some of which we are completely oblivious to and others which we observe, feel, experience and sometimes even start or contribute to.

Sometimes a thought takes root and feeds into a frenzy, sometimes a black mood descends, sometimes it is a happy bubbly self that you just can't control. And then there are the odd moments when you don't know what it is that you are feeling. You are elated and at the same moment so terribly sad.

Its a tribute to our inner demon that takes shape and rears its head when we are in the throes of such bipolar emotions, that we accomplish anything at all. Its a wonder that Murphy doesn't look at us then, for if he did, he would find it a fertile bed to wreak havoc. Instead a Karmic balance strives to shelter us at our lowest and expose us to Murphy at our highest.

That being said, we all look back at these very moments and take a ride through winding roads of what-could-have-beens and then descends a pall of gloom. Sometimes, we shake ourselves out of our reverie, but more often than not, we desperately need a bulwark of support who will lend us a shoulder or break our fall.

Naught comes to me, for the forsaken are forever doomed, into an eternity of darkness, that drips coldness in an ever narrowing street away from the farthest light, a peculiar bleakness creeping into the very soul which once was the sanctum sanctorum  of the thoughts and experiences of my life- a deep recess which none had breached save for the present. Even the darkest of nights are like day to me and the days are unbelievably bright that burns right through, forcing every bit of energy in maintaining a facade of normalcy when all that keeps me alive is a roiling, constantly undulating, furiously turbulent and destructive force of a misplaced anger, a sense of urgency towards envy leading me towards a dreadnaught of negativity which breeds hatred as its heraldry, flies jealousy at its flagpole and spreads out an insulting carpet of desolation to walk upon.

Attention deficit

I must confess this is probably very cold and unfeeling and a tad to harsh to the people in my thoughts as I write this. I am also probably judging others with a derogative bias and I have no right to do so, but this is how I feel and I am merely expressing my thoughts without acting upon my judgement save for taking a few precautions concerning my own well being.

Adam Smith proposed that the best results come when every one works in his/her interest, but it is instead when everyone works for one's own self and for the group. The second clause, '...and for the group', seems to have escaped everyone's understanding. This lack of attention to the second clause lands us into trouble so many many times! What is more contemptible is that this is very often just based on sincere humanity. We know naught about humanity, if a plea for help goes unanswered, if the simple thought about not disturbing the fellow man goes unheeded, if a simple thought about non inconveniencing a fellow human if it doesn't tax you does not occur.

Take for example the unabashed use of neon lights in headlamps and using a full beam inside the city limits where the streets are brightly lit up. Another instance would be the carelessness of an idiot who parks his vehicle in the middle of the street. The irritating individual who does not care if his smoking habits make a stink at the workplace. The caterer who will create inconvenient meal combos and sell by items. The room-mate who would forget to close the door. The friend who forgets to call at the appointed times. Or the friend who shows up as per his own suitable timings and not care for a compromise.

I know this would seem like my hang-up to a lot of people, especially when I too sometimes make a few slips. but these do create a lot of difficulties to another's life. A timely warning, a timely message may be quite a lot of help in such situations. And I'm sure you'll forget about this in a minute, after you have read upto this point.

Missed connections

So here I am feeling proud that I had finally managed to remember a meeting schedule, no mean feat for me, and I also reach one minute before the scheduled time.

Voila! People stream in. And you know them. But you know they are not in the team meetings. Finally your manager comes in and politely asks of you if you are in the right meeting.

And you tell her. She asks you to recheck your calendar. And the meeting is standing pretty. Then out of nowhere the application syncs and lo and behold, the meeting disappears. Your manager adds with a smile, 'now you have your half an hour of your life back'.

You make your exit as dignified as possible by wishing everyone a good day. Oh! Microsoft Office! You just made my friday!

Entitlement

We all have our own self worth in our own eyes. We only settle for what we believe is the right price. If we are short changed, there is an undercurrent of unrest. Sometimes though we have to make the wrong compromise so that when an better opportunity comes around, you don't miss, and thus right a wrong. This stems from an innate faith in Karma. What goes around, comes around.

But this compromise, in an elusive attempt at hope, is probably the worst thing we can do. I should know, because I am about to make one. Compromises eat into our self belief and self worth.

Compromises are what keeps the light burning you may say. I ask, at what cost?

We can't have everything at once, unlike what Lenka would like us believe. We will miss out on somethings, lose out a few times, but that is the cost of getting what we want more. You cannot look at the stars and the gentle sunrise and then expect to stay up the entire day. Nor can you hope to see the sun set from a hill top and expect to watch a movie with someone. You may think, if only I managed my time well…

But these are not examples where time management will stand you in good stead. Instead, time management may be the actual culprit who is restricting you from going after what you really want. A compromise is a good start, only if you have a plan. A compromise cannot be the end of a game.

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To a new chapter in life as I know it

You know it is a sad day when you despise your own self. When the person in the mirror is someone you don't easily recognize. When you'd rather run away somewhere, where you could live out the rest of your life in solitude and contentment, in a mockery of how people define peace.

Sadness is unbidden, uncalled for and unwanted to us all, but yet it comes, heeding not your thoughts or actions, for it is an abyss that the conspiracy of the Universe unearths at times to compensate for the pinnacles of happiness. Embrace them both. For one defines who you are and the other strives to bring in a realisation of who you can be.

When I started to write today, I did not have a clear direction of thought, instead I had a mass of roiling fear, a mush of sadness covering my rose colored glasses, with which I look at the world. Hence a lot of things that pours out over the course of the next few days may be incoherent; a bumbling and meandering tomfoolery of short pieces of my soul's outlook that is in constant conflict with the person, I am led to believe, I should be.

So here is to me, putting words to paper, or in this context to a 'web'-page, in the hopes that, I will discover a part of me that I thought I had lost somewhere in the graying back alleys, while I was chasing for the elusive and ephemeral object they called love. Cheers!