Fated to pretend

The title is at odds with what I am writing here, but in life, it is rarely is as it seems to be. And this thought has been keeping me up for a lot of nights now.

Friends come and go. Its a part of life. Family stays, but the people in the family change. This cycle- this unending cycle where we are all merely an act. The transient figures who play act and mime- in tune to an eerie music that each one of us hears in our own distinct and unique way.

I have lived in a dozen different towns and cities. Okay- may be not a full dozen but close enough to define my life, for all of  six years now, into different stages based on where I stayed and my friend circles. What happens is simple- we meet people- they leave an impression- maybe we leave some on them as well- and then we finish that chapter and we move on. This is life and thus it will always be.

My existential question however is more rhetorical than anything else- of the many many friends who left marks on our lives- do we meet them ever again?
I have had my share of friends, good friends and chaddi-buddies. We all had a gala time, and then I moved on to another town. Despite all the promises we made to keep in touch- it was never the same again but we never ended up saying our goodbyes. We just lost touch.

My logical mind tells me- it is probable that we will cross paths in the future in the least expected place and in the unlikeliest of times and by then all of us will be so different- we will not share the same camaraderie ever again. Does this all mean that our briefest of moments together, a blip in our entire life, will always be just that- a memory that we can never go back to? Will it just be a photo album that is meant to be reminisced once every decade when we revisit the times gone by and how we are all growing older and realising our mortality every day?

This futile exercise of reminiscence and remembrance deserves an ode to life as we know it so that we may cherish it and not manage to lose too many moments that may never ever again come in the future. Its like seeing a firefly dance in a night and knowing that I won't see that firefly ever again.

These are just questions that overshadows my need to love and cherish- because without an end- what the purpose of doing so? One may argue- the best course is to live in the moment- but I would ask- to what end? To create memories when it will only be a one sided reminiscence once a decade without any conscious understanding if there will be another such incident ever again. 

Brownian Motion

Life is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Maybe it is - maybe it isn't. But to think about life in those terms is one of the easiest ways to keep alive hopes of a better tomorrow. I am not complaining about my today- I have a good life, a bit of money, some friends, a very understanding set of parents and a good mentor at work.

But what I miss terribly is the easy camarederie I could share with college buddies. The easy way we would pick off from where left off the last time. That easy friendship that we knew would no longer be as it was after we graduated. I knew, but I never really felt it.

Now, sitting in one of the world's famous cities, working in some of the best offices with some of the best minds, having a lot of things, I always wanted, I miss those easy days when a dinner would become an impromptu sleepover and the days were so much brighter and the evenings filled with laughter.

Now, its calm music, a mad rush of meetings, a delicate cup of wine, a pretty plateful of roast. But the seats are empty. And I miss having the tumultuous roar of friends deciding which cheap beer goes well with the greasy chicken and which movie to watch that night.

Life moves on. So do we. And so should I. But once in a while- the empty chairs takes me back to the times when things were different. It's as if we came together after a seemingly random set of events only to go apart again to perhaps cross each others paths momentarily again somewhere in the future.

At long last

Another year comes to a close and I sit here sleepless in the middle of the night on a bed in an unfamiliar house in one of the world's most popular city in a foreign land. But I would be wrong if I were to leave out the adventures I've had in this city.

London has treated me well over the past several months. I've met people from all over the world, dined with some of the most interesting people, worked alongside some brilliant people and have watched some lively festivities in town, but what I have not done is find a good friend to hang out on those dreary days when nothing is going my way.

However, there is a silver lining on the horizon- I go to my friend's wedding in three weeks and I can't wait to get into my car's driving seat again. Perhaps what I really miss is the intimacy of another lady- her warmth between the cool cotton sheets and her conversations over dinner.

But that is no excuse for me moping around on the internet and feeling sorry for myself for absolutely nothing that I can change. But I can't shake this funny feeling that I feel a void somewhere deep inside me that I never thought possible. I know theoretically- we go through a certain preordained cycle of emotions after a breakup- Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression and Acceptance- but no one ever told me how to identify where I am! Its funny how I can diagnose someone else, but not myself!

What makes you beautiful

I should put up a disclaimer at the beginning, before I put all my thoughts on paper, I got piss drunk last night. Sorry heavily inebriated. And then I read an article about beauty. And I may be in love. That is a lot of disclaimers, isn't it?

They say, 'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.' And how apt it is! We all have a different appreciation for different objects, different values and different ideas, but we all still find something to describe as beautiful.

We remember the instances when beauty buffeted our psyche and overwhelmed it- that sunset at that beach, that winter morning with a beautiful azure sky, that rainy evening when you were on the road, that first kiss, that lady on the sidewalk who flipped her hair when the wind was strong, that crinkle of her mouth when she laughed, that wink of your best friend when he tries to make you laugh, that sound of laughter in a crowded train station, that car that just drove by, that photo of stars, and the list will go on. And on.

When we use 'beautiful' to describe a person, it is with an intense and personal note. 'Beautiful' is a hallowed word, that is used to describe someone who is so much more than just a pretty or handsome face. It is so much more than an hourglass figure and a v-shaped torso with well defined musculature. Because it is about that what cannot be described- a person's quintessential being, what we call a soul.

We don't hear people described as 'beautiful' much these days. When we do, it is either on the telly or at the movies or in books, because 'beautiful' is a word that has connotations of 'love', platonic or romantic, and love and beauty have made minstrels sing countless songs, poets write endless poems, writers write feverishly, painters paint wonderful art. These two words, 'love' and 'beautiful' have kept almost everyone of us awake at night at least once and some of us every night. And that is what makes our life so much more than a simple existence.

So what makes you beautiful?

Of the angels and our demons

Do I believe in a God? No. That is because I do not want to follow a religion. I dislike the intricacies that come attached with religions. The dogma. The rules. The boundaries.

But, there has to be a but, I would like to believe in a cosmic balance. Call it what you will- Karma, Fatum, destiny or any other of a million words. I reject the notion of a single fixed ending though- everyone cannot have their futures written out before hand- that would go completely against the idea of life, of freedom, of choice.

I believe in the idea that there is a multitude of possibilities for a future that can be pursued by each and every single one of us and its our choices that allows for an infinite number of nexus in our futures at every turn. Around each corner.

Its how we meet someone from our past. Or future. In our present. Life should be a choice- chaos of choices that miraculously fit into a pattern. A web called time. A network we live through.

In such a realm, we only have control over our own choices and the most we can do is to build bridges towards where we expect to go, or where we expect a nexus to be. We can only hope for other's choices to bring them to the nexus where we are headed towards. The key being, the key people will also come there eventually.

Some nexus are important for they are the highs and lows in our lives, others are dreams because the nexus are so so far and so complicated that sailing across an open sea without a compass would be easier than swimming through time to our dreams. And then these nexus do happen, elation settles in.
People involved in these situations become angels. When such nexus don't occur, the whole experience gives rise to demons- a figment of our own imaginations we create to pin all the blame on.

But the wheel of time goes on spinning its web and we are inevitably drawn towards some nexus more than the others. All we can do is walk the paths we create with our own choices and not regret about not choosing the alternate path. In the end, its not about how many nexus we passed through, but about how we conducted ourselves when we did find our dreams coming true. Did we become angels or did we create demons?

Loved and lost have you?

I have heard a lot of people express feelings akin to having loved and lost in their lives; how they've had a star crossed romantic episode only to end up falling apart. I have read a lot about it too. I would beg to disagree- first to the concept of losing and then some more about this oxy-moronic phrase.

We all stumble through life looking for our dreams- who doesn't have a dream? Even the most hapless and  aimless of people have dreams which can rival those of the most ambitious of people. The only difference being a choice we make- act on our dreams or not act on our dreams.

In this journey, we inevitably meet people who we admire and find incredibly attractive and fun. This small window in time when we found such counterparts is itself a reward, with indelible moments shared and memorable experiences had. Yes, some of us have a knack of extending this to last their entire lives, but it is mathematical and logically  impossible for everyone to be able to do so. If that is the case, why shouldn't you be thankful to have had those treasure trove of memories to last your entire life? This isn't a loss, its just life, the flip side of a coin, if it were a pie we could have half each, but a man or a woman is no pie- you have them completely or not at all. Even if you now no longer are together, you had them for sometime, didn't you?

When you have loved, truly loved, don't you feel like the king of the world? Don't you feel like you are levitating six inches above the ground? Don't you feel happy? If not, then you aren't in love- you are mimicking love; you love the idea of being in love.

If you can tether yourself to the happier times, why would you ever say that you've lost? For isn't happiness what we all long for, at the end? Would you buy a Ferrari to cry about? And even if you then had to return it because you couldn't afford the payments, you still drove the Ferrari for a day or two, and isn't that much better than someone who could not even dare to dream about the Ferrari but had a Toyota?

Of small things

From the moment I wake up, till the time I shut my eyes and drift off in the evening, a myriad of things occur- some of which we are completely oblivious to and others which we observe, feel, experience and sometimes even start or contribute to.

Sometimes a thought takes root and feeds into a frenzy, sometimes a black mood descends, sometimes it is a happy bubbly self that you just can't control. And then there are the odd moments when you don't know what it is that you are feeling. You are elated and at the same moment so terribly sad.

Its a tribute to our inner demon that takes shape and rears its head when we are in the throes of such bipolar emotions, that we accomplish anything at all. Its a wonder that Murphy doesn't look at us then, for if he did, he would find it a fertile bed to wreak havoc. Instead a Karmic balance strives to shelter us at our lowest and expose us to Murphy at our highest.

That being said, we all look back at these very moments and take a ride through winding roads of what-could-have-beens and then descends a pall of gloom. Sometimes, we shake ourselves out of our reverie, but more often than not, we desperately need a bulwark of support who will lend us a shoulder or break our fall.

Naught comes to me, for the forsaken are forever doomed, into an eternity of darkness, that drips coldness in an ever narrowing street away from the farthest light, a peculiar bleakness creeping into the very soul which once was the sanctum sanctorum  of the thoughts and experiences of my life- a deep recess which none had breached save for the present. Even the darkest of nights are like day to me and the days are unbelievably bright that burns right through, forcing every bit of energy in maintaining a facade of normalcy when all that keeps me alive is a roiling, constantly undulating, furiously turbulent and destructive force of a misplaced anger, a sense of urgency towards envy leading me towards a dreadnaught of negativity which breeds hatred as its heraldry, flies jealousy at its flagpole and spreads out an insulting carpet of desolation to walk upon.

Attention deficit

I must confess this is probably very cold and unfeeling and a tad to harsh to the people in my thoughts as I write this. I am also probably judging others with a derogative bias and I have no right to do so, but this is how I feel and I am merely expressing my thoughts without acting upon my judgement save for taking a few precautions concerning my own well being.

Adam Smith proposed that the best results come when every one works in his/her interest, but it is instead when everyone works for one's own self and for the group. The second clause, '...and for the group', seems to have escaped everyone's understanding. This lack of attention to the second clause lands us into trouble so many many times! What is more contemptible is that this is very often just based on sincere humanity. We know naught about humanity, if a plea for help goes unanswered, if the simple thought about not disturbing the fellow man goes unheeded, if a simple thought about non inconveniencing a fellow human if it doesn't tax you does not occur.

Take for example the unabashed use of neon lights in headlamps and using a full beam inside the city limits where the streets are brightly lit up. Another instance would be the carelessness of an idiot who parks his vehicle in the middle of the street. The irritating individual who does not care if his smoking habits make a stink at the workplace. The caterer who will create inconvenient meal combos and sell by items. The room-mate who would forget to close the door. The friend who forgets to call at the appointed times. Or the friend who shows up as per his own suitable timings and not care for a compromise.

I know this would seem like my hang-up to a lot of people, especially when I too sometimes make a few slips. but these do create a lot of difficulties to another's life. A timely warning, a timely message may be quite a lot of help in such situations. And I'm sure you'll forget about this in a minute, after you have read upto this point.

Missed connections

So here I am feeling proud that I had finally managed to remember a meeting schedule, no mean feat for me, and I also reach one minute before the scheduled time.

Voila! People stream in. And you know them. But you know they are not in the team meetings. Finally your manager comes in and politely asks of you if you are in the right meeting.

And you tell her. She asks you to recheck your calendar. And the meeting is standing pretty. Then out of nowhere the application syncs and lo and behold, the meeting disappears. Your manager adds with a smile, 'now you have your half an hour of your life back'.

You make your exit as dignified as possible by wishing everyone a good day. Oh! Microsoft Office! You just made my friday!

Entitlement

We all have our own self worth in our own eyes. We only settle for what we believe is the right price. If we are short changed, there is an undercurrent of unrest. Sometimes though we have to make the wrong compromise so that when an better opportunity comes around, you don't miss, and thus right a wrong. This stems from an innate faith in Karma. What goes around, comes around.

But this compromise, in an elusive attempt at hope, is probably the worst thing we can do. I should know, because I am about to make one. Compromises eat into our self belief and self worth.

Compromises are what keeps the light burning you may say. I ask, at what cost?

We can't have everything at once, unlike what Lenka would like us believe. We will miss out on somethings, lose out a few times, but that is the cost of getting what we want more. You cannot look at the stars and the gentle sunrise and then expect to stay up the entire day. Nor can you hope to see the sun set from a hill top and expect to watch a movie with someone. You may think, if only I managed my time well…

But these are not examples where time management will stand you in good stead. Instead, time management may be the actual culprit who is restricting you from going after what you really want. A compromise is a good start, only if you have a plan. A compromise cannot be the end of a game.

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To a new chapter in life as I know it

You know it is a sad day when you despise your own self. When the person in the mirror is someone you don't easily recognize. When you'd rather run away somewhere, where you could live out the rest of your life in solitude and contentment, in a mockery of how people define peace.

Sadness is unbidden, uncalled for and unwanted to us all, but yet it comes, heeding not your thoughts or actions, for it is an abyss that the conspiracy of the Universe unearths at times to compensate for the pinnacles of happiness. Embrace them both. For one defines who you are and the other strives to bring in a realisation of who you can be.

When I started to write today, I did not have a clear direction of thought, instead I had a mass of roiling fear, a mush of sadness covering my rose colored glasses, with which I look at the world. Hence a lot of things that pours out over the course of the next few days may be incoherent; a bumbling and meandering tomfoolery of short pieces of my soul's outlook that is in constant conflict with the person, I am led to believe, I should be.

So here is to me, putting words to paper, or in this context to a 'web'-page, in the hopes that, I will discover a part of me that I thought I had lost somewhere in the graying back alleys, while I was chasing for the elusive and ephemeral object they called love. Cheers!