Ex-es and New ones

How does it feel to talk to an Ex? Especially when she hasn't spoken word to you in the last two years? Weird? That's an understatement as any that can be imagined. And when there is accusation in all the sentences she said, you start wondering if you had starting imagining things and emotions that weren't there. Or if you were reading more into whatever that was said and creating things out of thin air and reading between the lines where there was nothing to be read.

It makes a mess out of you. You wonder if you had made the right call when you broke up with her.
You thought you two had an amiable break up but it turns out to be a bad one. She took it badly and then all hell breaks loose.

You think that there is some hidden motive behind that quick chat. Your imagination kicks into overdrive and all the bizarre ideas start chasing each other in your mind. Each idea, each sentence starts off a memory. It seems unreal and so unworldly that your skin starts crawling and you look back to remember to see if there was anything of significance that you missed. And when she leaves all too suddenly, you go through the chat again to see if you behaved badly or if all the things in your head have a basis, if there was anything that you missed to notice, if there were any hints there that you should not have missed, if you said something that might have brought back painful memories.

It is a nightmare when something like this catches up unawares. It leaves you uncomfortable with yourself and leaves you wondering why did you even break up with them. Because you realize whatever the reason for the break up, You DID actually LOVE them at some point of your life and THAT cannot be erased, however hard you try. And that you can try to block the feelings but you can never be at peace with yourself. That is how one loses one's innocence with a rude shock in wait.

exam hall

Imagine yourself sitting in the exam hall. Not very good memories, are they? And if you haven't prepared well, it is a nightmare. What if you don't understand a single question in the question paper? Unreal!

Look around, and you see the others scribbling away furiously as if there is no time to waste, and it gnaws at your belly like nothing else. A tight knot forms there and you start wondering what prompted you to waste those precious couple of hours playing games or whiling the time away watching movies you have already watched twice or perhaps thrice. Or why you were so interested in the magazine that you just bought. Or just looking up friends to chat up online.

And when you come out of the reverie you see that the minute hand has already traversed a quarter of the hour you are allowed. Then looking down you see the page lying there blank and unmarked and you start wondering what you can write that will seem relevant and will not give you away to the professor that you are fishing around for the answers.

Of course having unhelpful classmates sitting around you is a big letdown. But then long channels of communication have to be established and clandestine information is passed to and fro. And then you discover that the persons who are scribbling away have no more idea than you do about the question asked, but are not stupid enough to let anyone else know that. And then your eyes wander and catch those of a sympathetic friend who is in the same shoes and both of you smile and get out of the class leaving an empty answer script behind with a note saying, "I studied although I don't remember any of that now. Am going to visit a doctor."

XoXo... :P

basic computer education

With the advent of computers in every nook and corner of the office and homes and business, most of us only know how to use it in the most primitive way. We mouse over icons and use the keyboard only to type the mails and to chat. But how many of us know how to operate a computer without using a mouse at all? And how man of us know how to install and uninstall the even simple programs?

These are meant to be user friendly but we still call up our resident technician for the most basic installation because we are afraid we will ruin our machine. We are not afraid when that heavy fingered and heavy handed tech sits on our system and bangs around. But we are averse to tinkering around with it!

What if one day all it does to make a living is to know how to install software and know how to switch on the computer and how to turn it off?

The past few days have been unreal. Hitting highs and lows quicker than one could exult or moan . Half hearted moments were few and in between. And amidst them all I was expected to function as a superb machine. Isn't it our emotions and feelings that separate us from machines?

Perhaps emotions are hard to show for some of us, but that does not mean we are devoid of emotions. We would be fools to not feel what we feel and even bigger fools to not express, simply out of some misplaced and convoluted sense of righteousness or gallantry.

Were it not for our own process of evolution perhaps we'd be someone else who was more comfortable with their expressionless and emotionless society, but as fate would have it we are humans and fraternity based on emotional bonding are an integral part of our innate behavior.

After all, who would not want to talk to someone sitting next to you, and who wouldn't if it was a she, a pretty she at that??

14th of February contd..

And so the story goes on..

It seems I was premature in signing off today's post. In the past four years today must have been the best valentine's day for me :) Oh! Did I write four? Its closer to fourteen.

We have our good days and the bad days. Inevitably I made all my valentine's days worse. But today someone up there seems to have had different plans for me.

I heard an interesting story a few years ago from a person i'd like to call my 'friend'. He had lost in love but was still happy. He told me a secret that day.

I believe I finally understood what he told me that day. Its nice to be in love and the feeling is wonderful. But one has to know loss to know love truly.

Thank you my benefactor wherever you are. It was disheartening but oddly infinitely more satisfying. Perhaps am just wallowing in self pity and this dictum is a perfect example of a rejection. But it heals the mind and soul.

14th of February

This date, more commonly known as Valentine's Day, seems to have become the most important date this year. Legends have it that a certain benevolent saint by the name St. Velentine wedded a couple who were forbidden by their family.

Whether we choose to believe rests on each person's opinion. Perhaps the very fact that there exists a day solely to celebrate love is the way it was planned initially. And for that we all celebrate it in its true form.

But in today's world love is not all as some songs seem to suggest. One can't eat and drink love. One needs money. In olden times the couple could elope settle down far off and make a living for themselves. Today no place is far enough. And one finds it difficult to sustain oneself. Today is a different world.

It was ironical that today when some couples might be holding hands and professing their love for one another, some serious students took a more practical view of life and took the GATE test. It will further their career and deepen their purses.

Won't the chummery of gals follow the purses?