Still an idiot.

I thought I had gotten past this. This thing. This stage. But then how long ago was it since I've been shown the door? If I am told I am not worth anything, I will be able to take it, because I'll prove myself then, but when I was literally shown that my feelings weren't worth a dime, it hit the core of my being. I reeled. I roiled. So I am a wreck. I am.

But that will in no way stop me from underscoring the feelings I had, I have and the ones I will keep inside me. To me the feelings have value. They are important to my psyche, if only to maintain a semblance of my own sanity in some remote corner of my mind.

Time, they say is a great healer, but time is time, it has its own pace. I am living through each slice of time in a most exaggerated parody of normalcy, and trying to put up a brave facade of stoicism. But then again, isn't that hurting me from within, so is this qualifies as masochism, then ultimately, stoicism is a form of masochism. Pardon the digression, but thinking keeps the emotional part of me buried under the action of the thought making process.

This ultimately, brings me to the simple fact that I cannot escape from - that I'm still an idiot, in spite of what my friends might say.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

My dear Lady.

"Cause the love you used to feel is still there inside,
it maybe a faded photograph but I know you care,
so don't hide.
If you're scared I'm here beside you,
if you get lost I'm here to guide you,
and I give you peace when peace is fragile.
Love is all the good in you,
love is peace when peace is fragile."

This struck a chord deep inside me. And sleep, as usual, decides to stand me up tonight, again.
So here I am writing to let my feelings out and drain me dry.

This stanza is such an accurate reflection of all the turmoil in the recent past. And it is what is keeping me going on each day. The love I used to feel, is still there inside. Over time, it will fade, but I'll still care. But I can't help but hide, so you don't torment yourself over this series of incidents, most of which are outside of your control.

I used to be there beside you when you were scared. When you floundered I'd be there beside you. You once told me, I gave you peace, even amidst all the ruckus you'd keep up with. When peace was hard to come by. When things turned crazy, I like to believe I was a cornerstone with a semblance of peace.

The love I have for you, shall remain untarnished, inspite of all your actions and choices. But it's hard to say goodbye. It's always been the most trying of times for me to say goodbye. Immortalising these words of a fragile peace, where love becomes your sanctum of peace and serenity amidst the ruckus we have come to live with daily, are a series of incidents that shall remain in my memories. They shall fade away with time, try as I might otherwise, but they will leave indelible traces of happy strains in the old sepia memory lanes, when I might look back on them.

Some songs that reverberate with your soul's predicament become entwined with the memories, whence long after the memories have faded away and hidden under the burden of new ones, a sudden catch of the tune will trigger a recollection of these sepia times as if they were just yesterdays. But with so many objects tied with the beautiful memories I possess, I don't know if I shall ever be able to bid you adieu.

Sincerely yours
A face in the crowd
Ani